I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
whats green and is dangerous
KERMIT WITH A FLIP KNIFE
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...
I went scuba diving last year. It was fun, but at the end, I ran out of oxygen.
It was a breathtaking experience.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
what did the pedophile say to the kid?
"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
