Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
How many times does 42 go into 9?
Get in the van to find out.
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
My girlfriend's a porn star.
She'd kill me if she found out.
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler!
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.
The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."
Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."
Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
