How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?
He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.
What do you get when the queen farts a noble gas?
What do you get when a dino farts? A blast from the past.
Why are ninja farts so dangerous? They are silent but deadly.
So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
I was looking forward to some toast...
So I took the toaster in the bath with me.
Why did the fire not burn the kid? Because it had no lips.
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
Kid goes to the kitchen.
Mom: What are you doing here?
Kid: Just checking out the knife.
Mom: So you've chosen death.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
How do you get a depressed girl to suck your dick?
Pour bleach on it.
I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"
When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...
If you spin a fidget spinner, You'll end up spinning it too fast. When you end up spinning it too fast, it will make you fly away. When you fly away, you'll end up in a tree. When you end up in a tree, you'll see that your friends are hanging out without you. When you see that your friends are hanging out without you, you'll run away in the woods because you're sad. When you ran away in the woods, you'll see a bear. When you see a bear, it will chase you. When the bear chases you, you'll build a fort to protect yourself. When you build a fort to protect yourself, you then notice you're lonely. You'll become friends with the bear. When you become friends with a bear, you'll start to act like a bear. When you start to act like a bear, you will become a bear.
DO NOT BECOME A BEAR! NEVER PLAY WITH A FIDGET SPINNER!
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
A cow went into a pride of lions' territory.
Since that moment, he knew his life was on the stake.
If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered "suislide"?
Asking for a friend.
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
Where did Johnny go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."
