What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
Dais Jokes
Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?
They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
This place is gonna boom in a few days, just like the towers.
Yo mama so fat that she was the float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade with Kermit the Frog!
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
What day should you drink water?
Thursday, Thirstday!
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
What is shark's favorite day?
Chewsday.
Nothing lasts long these days!
As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"
Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
What month has 28 days?
All of them.
What is 14 inches long and starts with D?
A Dookie From GREEN DAY
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
Attention! Has anyone noticed that Watersharky and Kitten are dating? It's strange because they haven't said anything for 28 DAYS!!! They been keeping it a secret...(I guess). Someone needs to keep track of this. GOD, I just thought further into life with their relationship. DON'T DO THAT.
Daughter: So, I got my period.
Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!
Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?
Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.
Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)
Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
