Dais jokes

Butcher

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."

Orphan

There are 365 days in a year. Orphans have 363 because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day.

Pregnancy

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

Orphan

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

They have no mother's or father's day.

Memes

Orphan

If you have a bad day, go tell an orphan to find his parents. He will be searching all day.

Mayo

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

Attitude

Quote of the day:

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere until you change it.

Chao!!!

Hooker

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Promotion

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

Orphan

Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?

They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.

Dishwasher

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Plane Ticket

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Mama

Yo mama so fat that she was the float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade with Kermit the Frog!

Daughter

I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.

Lipstick

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.