why did the man get fired from work cause he took 2 days off in febuary
My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.
The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"
Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"
What did the water say to the cup?
"Good day!"
Leo is like a CLOUD... when she DISAPPEARS, it's a beautiful day
Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.
There was once a boy who took a selfie, and the next day became an orphan.
The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
My mum said not to walk the streets because I won't find home the next day. I was an orphan.
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
Why does Aaron chug beer on a Wednesday?
Because his dad beats him every single day because he has scoliosis.
A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.
The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.
Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.
I poo 11 times a day.
Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.
One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.
My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.
So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.
My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.
What do you call crocodiles that don't say "swim" every day?
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
What day are twins born the most?
Toos-day.
