When I have a staring contest, I always win.
Every day, I see blind people who hate me.
Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!
Bro, this guy's hairline I saw the other day was nowhere to be seen.
What month has 28 days?
All of them.
If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?
Nothing lasts long these days!
As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"
What is 14 inches long and starts with D?
A Dookie From GREEN DAY
Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!
Guy: Hi, how was your day today?
Woman: Good!
Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*
Guy: How many months pregnant are you?
Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?
Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
I saw a little girl crying, and I said, "Where are your parents?" That day, I got fired from the orphanage. 🤪
Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.
What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.
Thomas Jefferson’s 80th b-day bash be like:
Jackson: "CALHOUN! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME - IN BED WITH THE CONSTITUTION??"
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.
He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.
Why do orphans not like July 24th??
Because it's Parents Day.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
