Las Vegas jokes

Hey Siri, where is my dad?

Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!

Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

...WhAT-

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?

Consensual Rapper 7.

EatDatPussy445, aka Deyione Scott-Wilson Eason, aka Bryant Turman Emerson Moreland, is a pedophile, and he is in Las Vegas right now. Go, go, go, catch him!

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

Las Vegas has a new 550-foot-tall Ferris wheel, hoping to gain tourists.

What’s already gaining “tourists”? Whores.

What’s red, gold, and blank in Las Vegas?

Tupac

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

MVP means: “Most Valuable Player.”

In Chuck Norris' case: “Most Vaginas Penetrated”.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"