Crime jokes

You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

Gf: "You are a drug."

Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"

Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."

How do you make rape funny? Tickle her while you do it.

4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.

Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?

- He robbed children of their innocence.

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.

Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?

A: He got shot.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?

Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.