Crime jokes

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?

Russian malls.

Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.

You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

Gf: "You are a drug."

Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"

Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?

This isn't ketchup.

What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?

A: He got shot.

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.