Crime jokes
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"
A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"
The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."
The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"
Why are Indians such good actors?
Most of them are phone scammers.
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
Title
You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))
When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
How do you get away with rape and incest in California?
Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.
what did the pedophile say to the kid?
"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."
4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?
It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
What do the mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: He got shot.
What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.