Crime jokes
Lil Johnny looked a lil bonny, but then when he saw Tommy, he decided to bomb me.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Today my ex got hit by a bus.
I also lost my job as a bus driver.
How did the lesbian die? Homicide.
I'm Batman.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and called it "Hot Wheels."
What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?
"Can I have a bodybag?"
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
What do you call an alligator detective??
An investi-gator.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?
Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?
Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.
What's a knife's favorite person?
The victim.
How do you make a body disappear?
You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!
P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.
"It's not a war crime if you win the war."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
It's okay, you had socks on :)
Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.