Crime Jokes

what dose a pedophile and a light switch have in common

They both get turned on by children

What’s the difference between 911 and a abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?

whats a kiddnappers favourite shoes? white vans

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

I am a registered sex offender im just playing i'm not registered yet

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people? A mass murderer.

I was reading the new and read that a kid killed his family and when they interviewed him he said he wanted to become Batman

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police says the suspect is armed and on the run.

Joker gives batman a phone thomas:uhh son we need to talk... about the uhh dressing up. martha:hello dearie brucie is it ok if you visit me when you go to jokers house

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

A tiny psychic escaped from jail and the news said there a small medium at large.

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist

What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?

A Sandy Hooker

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."