Crime jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue, Old man Jeffrey touches the youth.
Why the hell would I go to a shooting range when I could go to school and do it for free?
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
I killed a man, but it was April Fools'!
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?
God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!
It's not a war crime if no one's alive to report it.
What 16 stoner rode a Derby winner?
Lester Piggott's cellmate.
Have you heard about the kidnapping at the goat farm?
I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and called him "hot wheels."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.
In my basement.
How do you turn rape into no rape? Steal her bank details for money transfer.
Your mama's so young your dad went to jail.
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White Vans.
I killed a homeless dude, now she's at the funeral home. 😭💔
The emo kid's mom went to jail because the kid was hung.
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
How did black people learn to steal sports cars?
By playing GTA nonstop.
A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."
The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"
Today a canvasser came to my door asking if I wanted to make a donation to protect women in the Congo.
I told her no.
The canvasser got a little upset with me and said, "Don't you know that the Congo is the rape capital of the world?"
"Then they should be used to it by now," I replied.