Crime jokes
I killed a homeless dude, now he's at funeral home 😭💔
Yo mama so dumb, when a kid told her to “give her a fag,” she kidnapped Ricardo!
I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.
Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?
What do you call an Indian eating cows? Mooove to jail.
What does the school shooter do after shooting all the kids?
Shoot kids in them ;)
"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"
I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!
Girl, are you a public school? Because I want to shoot my kids inside you.
Why do cops never put orphans in jail?
Because they aren't wanted.
I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.
What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?
"Dine and dash."
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
If you combine math and meth, you will become Einstein White.
Man 1: Knock knock.
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: Ice.
Man 2: Ice who?
Man 1: I crushed your head.
Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?
A. They drive slow through school zones.
"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."
You call it a school shooting.
I call it an unfair shootout.
What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White vans.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he was arrested on suspicion of murder.