Crime jokes
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
It's not pedophilia, it's early access.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
If there was someone selling drugs around here, we'd know.
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?
Reports say there's a small medium at large!
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.