Crime jokes
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.
The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
It's not pedophilia, it's early access.
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
If there was someone selling drugs around here, we'd know.
You know, it's only considered murder if there's a body. Otherwise, it's just a missing person.
Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?
Reports say there's a small medium at large!
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.