Control Jokes

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?

Speed humps.

The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

A bar graph showing what gives people feelings of power. Money is at the bottom, then status, and then a far longer bar for saying shhh in a loud room and everyone going quiet immediately. Text reads: WHAT GIVES PEOPLE FEELINGS OF POWER. MONEY. STATUS. SAYING SHHH IN A LOUD ROOM AND EVERYONE GOING QUIET IMMEDIATELY.

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

One's a superhero, one's a command.

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

What's a rapist's fav position?

Missionary in a dark corner.

What do you get when you cross a dick and a potato?

A dictator.

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

I painted my black PS5 white so the controller would run faster.

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")

Jack and Jill wanted some pills.

So they went to the dealer; he saw they were kids and said, "Fuck this shit," then Jack rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth control pills.

What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.

It's best not to say "Hail Satan" because he can't control the weather!

What is a female gamer's favorite part of the controller?

The joystick.

So Kobe Bryant walked into a bar, just kidding, he's dead and his fame went spiraling out of control.

There is a rich child and a poor child. The rich child invites the poor child to his house and shows him all the toys and tells him: "Look at what a beautiful radio-controlled airplane I have! You don't have it because you are poor!" The poor child answers: "You're right, it's very nice, but I have one thing that you don't have!" The rich child then invites him into the garden and shows him the swimming pool, the trampoline, and all the other games that can be done outdoors and says to the poor child: "Look at that beautiful swimming pool I have! It is very big; you don't have it because you are poor!" And the poor child says: "Beautiful, it is really beautiful! But one thing that you don't have." So the rich child feels bad. He says: "Wait, but I'm rich! How is it possible? I have everything I want because I'm rich. Why do you have something that I don't have?" And the poor child says: "I have cancer!"