Control Jokes

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

One's a superhero, one's a command.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

A bar graph showing what gives people feelings of power. Money is at the bottom, then status, and then a far longer bar for saying shhh in a loud room and everyone going quiet immediately. Text reads: WHAT GIVES PEOPLE FEELINGS OF POWER. MONEY. STATUS. SAYING SHHH IN A LOUD ROOM AND EVERYONE GOING QUIET IMMEDIATELY.

What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?

Speed humps.

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

What's a rapist's fav position?

Missionary in a dark corner.

What do you get when you cross a dick and a potato?

A dictator.

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

I painted my black PS5 white so the controller would run faster.

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

i'ts best not to say hail satan because he can't control the weather!

Jack and Jill wanted some pills.

So they went to the dealer; he saw they were kids and said, "Fuck this shit," then Jack rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth control pills.