Comparison jokes

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

What's the difference between a knife and me?

One has a point.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is gigantic, the other is just a little lighter.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

What number is better than 69?

88 'cause you get ate twice.

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought the Grinch was ugly until I saw you.

You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.

What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?

You can’t abuse an alligator.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson likes little boys.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Derek Vinyard?

A shaved head, a chest tattoo, and a moustache.

Women are like rolls of toilet paper. They are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot, and they deal with a lot of sh*t.

I got the new phone with longer lasting battery, but it still lasts longer than your relationships, ooooooooooo!

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

What’s the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and a priest?

They both like lil' boys.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil? One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...

Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and went up to her mom and asked, "Mom, I have hair on my privates, what is it?"

"Oh honey, that's your monkey," the mom says.

So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says, "My monkey has hair on it!" So the sister replies with a laugh, "You think that's cool? My monkey is already eating bananas!"