Come jokes

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

What did the rapist say to his victim?

"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."

Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

Women are like tornadoes.

They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Why do pedophiles never win a race?

Because they are always coming in a little behind.

What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -- A stick.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."

An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.

The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

Where do animal does Russian milk come from?

"Moscows".