Clean

Clean jokes

Drunk

    • A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

    Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

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    • Depression

    • Dentist: Open up, sir.

    Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

    Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

    Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

    Dentist: Do you need help??

    Me: Yep.

    Dentist: ...

    Me: ....

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    • Clean memes

    Death

    • Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

    Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

    Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

    Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

    Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

    Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

    Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

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    • Funeral

    • I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

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    • Bubble

    • Wanna hear a clean one?

    Old man takes a bath with bubbles.

    Wanna hear a dirty one?

    Bubbles is the 14 year old next door.

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    • Baby

    • Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?

    Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.

    Suicide

    • My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

    My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

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