Church jokes
Priests are priests.
Why do orphans go to church so much?
So they can have someone to call father.
"Spray and pray," also known as a priest with an altar boy.
What do you call a gay priest? Hahahahahaha!
Why do I look nervous when I enter the church? Is it just because I'm the only one with the bomb?
Barney
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive," but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.
The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."
Do you know where priests go at night?
To all night sale at Boys R Us.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
Why did the orphan go to church?
To hear some "foster" parenting advice.
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.
A guy was dying after getting stabbed in a church. He said to the priest, "Please say a prayer for me," and the priest said, "I ain’t got nun left." Then he died.
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5
A Catholic gay male that is well-endowed goes to confession, and while he is inside the confessional booth, the Catholic priest is sucking his dick, and he says to the Catholic priest, "What are you doing, Father?"
And the priest says, "It's called giving a blowjob."
And the Catholic gay male says, "Why are you giving me a blowjob, Father, inside the confessional booth?"
And the Catholic priest says, "If there was no glory hole in the confessional booth, my son, it would not be called a confessional booth in the first place."
One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.