Church jokes

How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?

One is Catholic.

Why can't skeletons play church music?

Because they have no organs.

The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f... altar boys.

What do you call a Mexican Baptism?

Bean Dip.

Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."

So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.

What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.

Why do Priests like playing the violin? They get to finger A minor.

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?

Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

Q: What's the difference between LeBron James and a priest?

A: The size of balls they play with.

One day, a priest loses his cock (chicken). He goes to the church and says, "Who has seen a cock?" All the women raised their hands. "No, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?" Half the women's hands went up. "No, no, no, who has seen my cock?" All the nuns' hands went up.

Why was baptism invented?

How else was a priest supposed to clean his sex toys?

You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.

A priest walks into a wine store.

"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh, you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."