New Church Jokes

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

For centuries the Catholic Church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings. You know what I call that?

"Chancel culture!"

How do you know you’re at a gay church?

Half the congregation is kneeling.

House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.

You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Why do Black people go to a confession stand at the Catholic Church?

They wanna know what it’s like to speak to a father.

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?

"Let us pray."

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

Why is Christianity the most dramatic religion?

Because other religions say, "Do, do, do."

But Christianity says, "Done, done, done!"

A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

What is red, pink, yellow, green, orange?

A black woman dressed for church.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"