Church jokes
Why do Catholic priests make the best cocksuckers for gay and bisexual men that are members of the Catholic Church?
Because there are glory holes inside of the confessional booths.
Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?
Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.
Yo mama so old, on her birth certificate it said "expired."
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittles popped out.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on Walmart, the prices went down.
Yo mama so poor, she chases a garbage truck with a shopping list.
Yo mama so ugly, she made the devil go to church.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.
What's Christian and holey?
JFK.
Why do Roman Catholics always call their minister father?
because Roman Catholic men between 18-29 years old received a free anonymous blowjob inside the confessional booth at the glory hole.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.
A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.
How does a disabled man go to church? He can't, there's no ramp.
When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?
Father Les.
After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest.
Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
A young couple gets banned from church.
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.
After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.
Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.
Q: What's the difference between LeBron James and a priest?
A: The size of balls they play with.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!