Christmas jokes
What time is it when you eat a Christmas tree?
Time to get a new Christmas tree! 🎄
Yo momma so fat, Santa said, "Ho, ho, ho, I've gotta go!"
Me: How do you celebrate Christmas?
Orphan: I don't know what you mean.
Me: There is no one to give a present.
I know this girl, Kamelah. She say, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I’m just tryna figure out why it look like Santa stole your hairline."
Why are Santa's balls so big?
Because he comes once a year.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.
The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?
A hoe hoe hoe.
Father: "Fritz, light the Christmas tree!"
Two blonde girls find a beautiful Christmas tree in the woods.
After two hours, someone said, "We found a tree without bark!"
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
Little Timmy is hanging out with Rapunzel, and he mentions Hugo and a few other characters from Varian And The Seven Kingdoms, and she responds with, “Who the frick are you talking about? Since I don’t know them, I got a surprise for you!” She wraps him up in Christmas wrapping paper labeled "For Eugene."
My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?
My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...
Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.
*Everyone Looks at me*
My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
What's the difference between Jesus and Christmas tree lights?
They can both flash.
How come Christmas is one time? Because it is so nice!
What car do elves drive?
Toy-yodas.
I KNOW IT'S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!
Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL!
I guess it's time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!