New Christmas Jokes - Page 7 - Worst Jokes Ever

There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.

White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.

Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.

Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"

Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?

Father Christmas left them.

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

What's an orphan's favourite movie? Home Alone

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

What does a terrorist get for Christmas?

A C4.

Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.

The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.

Why is Santa always a b*tch, calling people names like, "Hoe, hoe, hoe?"

How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?

Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.

What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?

"Time to hit the sack!"

Why do Christmas trees like wheelchairs? Because they have kids.

I’m going to be busy having dinner soon. I have internet for Christmas 🎄 and I have some Christmas.

Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?

The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."