Christmas jokes
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?
Father Christmas left them.
My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?
My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...
Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.
*Everyone Looks at me*
What's an orphan's favorite movie? Home Alone.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What does a terrorist get for Christmas?
A C4.
Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.
The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.
Why is Santa always a b*tch, calling people names like, "Hoe, hoe, hoe?"
How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?
Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
Why do Christmas trees like wheelchairs? Because they have kids.
I’m going to be busy having dinner soon. I have internet for Christmas 🎄 and I have some Christmas.
Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.
Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...
And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.
What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?
The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.