Car jokes

What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

What happened to the frog that parked illegally?

He was toad away.

Get it?

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

What does a broken down vegetable say?

I need new wheels.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

Here’s one for the Aussies: What’s the difference between an echidna and a police car? All the pricks are on the inside.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

Why did the polack lock himself out of his car?

Because his keys were inside of the ignition.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a fly? It's the sound they make when they hit the windshield.

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

Why do sisters have to be in a relationship? Because you don’t have to worry about your car.

If Hitler was in a car doing his salute, he would be saying, "Take the third right."

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.