Car jokes

Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?

A: A suicide bomber.

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

What happened to the frog that parked illegally?

He was toad away.

Get it?

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

What does a broken down vegetable say?

I need new wheels.

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

"Yes, officer! It was a requirement to run over that child. It matched perfectly with the beat drop!"

Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”

Wife: “ok... what is it?”

Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”

Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."

The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."

What is the difference between women and cars?

At least one of them retained their value after getting wrecked.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

What's a terrorist's favorite car? A Porsche 9/11.

There are three Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?

The cop!

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.