What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? Unlike the porcupine, the pricks are on the inside.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
Why can't homosexuals get car insurance?
They've been rear-ended too many times.
I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.
What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
The average French car has 7 gears, 6 of which are in reverse mode just in case the Germans come back.
