Car jokes

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. 🥁

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?

Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.

Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.

What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?

Paul Walker’s Porsche.

Yo mama is so fat, her car has stretch marks.

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.

If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.

Why did the emo kid not cross the road?

He was waiting for a car.