Car

Car Jokes

Accident

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Car crash

A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.

The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"

The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"

The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."

Superman

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Son

Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?

Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.

Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.

Guy

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

Blonde

What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.

Speed Bump

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

Man

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

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  • Accident

    If you drink, don’t drive. People cause accidents.

    If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

    Cat

    I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

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  • Woman

    What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

    Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.

    Incest

    Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

    It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.

    Kid

    Why did the emo kid not cross the road?

    He was waiting for a car.