Canning jokes

How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.

I was raped everyday for years. I can still smile. I hold the record for the widest asshole.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s penis.

A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

Can bees fly higher than Mt. Everest? No? Actually, they can. Mt. Everest can't fly.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs!!

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

You can shut the book up.

How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.

How can toilet paper decorate your house?

Shit sticks everywhere.

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?

None. Neither can see their parents.

Bro, your hairline is so far back not even Dora the Explorer can find it!

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

Your mom said, "Can you get to the dick game?"

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"