Canning jokes
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs!!
I was raped everyday for years. I can still smile. I hold the record for the widest asshole.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s penis.
Memes
A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."
Can bees fly higher than Mt. Everest? No? Actually, they can. Mt. Everest can't fly.
Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.
How do you get away with rape? Identify as transgender. Women can never be accused of rape, obviously
What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?
You can shut the book up.
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
How is slavery different from Pokémon?
The types you can have.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?
"Thanks for coming."
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.
Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.
What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!
My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...
So I threw a coconut at her.
Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?