Canning jokes
How many gay guys can you fit on a barstool? 4... if you turn it upside down.
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
Did you know I'm a really fast reader?
I can go through a few stories in just a few seconds!
Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?
What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!
Memes
What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?
They both cannot see their family.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they can call someone "father."
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)
My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...
So I threw a coconut at her.
What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?
"Thanks for coming."
How is slavery different from Pokémon?
The types you can have.
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Well, probably the person in front of them.
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash their crack and resell it.