Canning jokes

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."

"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"

What holiday can an orphan not celebrate?

Mother's Day and Father's Day.

What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?

"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)

What store can an orphan never find?

Home Depot.

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

Why is it okay to hit an orphan?

It's not like it can tell its parents.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a woman?

You can screw and unscrew a light bulb, but you can't unscrew a woman.

Why was the Orphan boy gay?

So he can call someone Daddy.

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.

What time is it when you get home and you walk, walk home and walk, walk home?

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

What's the difference between you and a bench?

A bench can hold a family.

Why do orphans go to church?

So they can call someone father!

What is fully grown but can fit through small objects? Michael Jackson.

What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?

"Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."

Why is a ghost so predictable?

Because you can see right through it.

Jeffrey Dahmer and his mother are having dinner.

His mother says, “I don’t like your friends.”

Then Jeff says, “You can eat the potatoes.”