Canning jokes

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

How is slavery different from Pokémon?

The types you can have.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash their crack and resell it.

What is an orphan's favorite game? Sims, so they can make a family to have.

in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind

What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?

"Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."

Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

Neither of 'em can see their parents.

Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.

Obv, unless you share your residence.

What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?

Quiet kids.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

Why aren't apple chargers called apple juice? Also, how do you throw away trash cans?

What part of a vegetable can you not eat?

The wheelchair.