Canning jokes

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash their crack and resell it.

What is an orphan's favorite game? Sims, so they can make a family to have.

in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?

Quiet kids.

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?

A: By how much he's coffin.

Can a box match? No, but a tin can.

What instrument can a skeleton never play?

An organ.

I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.

Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.

What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.