Can jokes
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Man: *behind the women* She's so ugly!
Woman: My back is not a voicemail, unless you're a coward and can only say it behind my back to my face.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.
It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.
I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.
There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:
"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."
Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"
The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
"You can drink drinks, but you can't food foods."
-Sun Tzu, The Art Of Food
Chuck Norris can drift with a horse.
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
I needed to take a phone call, so I went to the nearest exit. I guess you can say it was very exciting! 😂
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?
“I can na-zi.”
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Kid: You're so fat!
Other kid: At least fat can be changed, but your ugly face can't be.
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop," said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop," said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
Hey, Tanya, can I Tanya ass?
What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.