But jokes

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.

Why were the people in the Twin Towers sad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

I was going to watch the origami world championships before it folded.

But it was only on paper view.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

I heard a joke about candy bars, but it wasn't very funny, so I just snickered.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.