But jokes

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

Lil Johnny's teacher wanted to play an alphabet game, so she said, "What word starts with A?" Lil Johnny raised his hand fast, but she knew that he would say "ass," so she picked on Sally and she said, "Apple." She said, "What word starts with B?" Little Johnny raised his hand as fast as he could, but she knew that he would say something like "bitch," so she picked on Emmanuel and Emmanuel said, "Banana." She went all the way to W. Little Johnny raises hand as fast as he could again, and the teacher thought of a cuss word that could start with the letter W. She could not think of a cuss word that could start with W, so she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny said, "Wow." The teacher said, "Good job." Then Little Johnny said, "Like wow, two elephants fucking!"

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys! Except that one headshot, but we don’t talk about that.

I was going to think of a good amputee joke...

But I’m stumped.

A kid asks his mom what dark humor is.

She says, “You see that man with no arms, tell him to clap.”

“But mom, I’m blind!” says the kid.

“Exactly,” replied the mom.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your dad.

But my dad's dead.

I know, just reminding you!

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but the second hour is free.

I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!

What is heavy forward but not backward?

What has two arms and two legs but can’t walk or run?

Stephen Hawking.

What does the "f" in "orphan" stand for? Family, but there's no "f".

Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.

Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.

That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )

Girl: What is abortion?

Man: Ask your brother.

Girl: But I don't have a brother!

Man: Exactly!

Who was the meanest man in the world?

He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.

I don't wanna brag, but I finished a puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.

Kid: You're so fat!

Other kid: At least fat can be changed, but your ugly face can't be.

In the Bible, it says Jesus died for our sins, but he came back to life, so what did he sacrifice?

Was it a weekend to wash away our sins?

I wish I could tell you about my penis, but it's too short.