But jokes

Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo.

Do not worry, I will be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.

What's yellow and can't swim but screams when it goes under?

A school bus full of kids.

Your mom wants to tell you that you're adopted, but you were an orphan.

It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.

Have you heard about the awesome fruit race?

The lettuce was ahead, but the tomato was able to ketchup!

A depressed guy walks into a utensil store and finds a knife, but he didn't stab himself... Part 2 coming out tomorrow.

Why are women like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

What's the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly, but a fly cannot bird.

What is the difference between a car and a tree?

A tree cannot drive, but a car can drive.

Why are you censoring my friend Franz? He's just making jokes, but you admins get offended too easily, f*cktards!

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.

There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:

Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.

Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.

These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.

Only Ninety's kids know about this.

A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died.

The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!"

He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something.

Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

I usually hang up Halloween decorations,

but this year I'm gonna be the decoration.

Why were the people in the Twin Towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plane.

Superman and Flash were in the living room pounding back a few beers. Flash says to Superman, "I bet you can fly into Wonder Woman's bedroom and get the best pussy of your life." So he does it. When he goes back to Flash, Superman says, "Man, that was great, but my ass kinda burns."

The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.