But jokes

But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom jeans!

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.

When you're at school and you have to wipe your ass, but it's only one ply...

Your finger breaks through... mmm, finger lickin' good.

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but couldn't stand up?

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill’s real name was Randy.

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high, touched Jill's thigh, and said, "I know you wanna."

But silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a kid.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

I guess in British chess they play without a queen...

But in American chess they play without two towers.

Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

I wish I could follow you, though.

But you need an account so I could follow you, but you don't have one. :'(

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I would tell you a joke about 9/11, but it would come crashing down on you.

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

There is only one reason why I find women useful.

That is because they make sandwiches, but that is about it.

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

I would post a joke, but maybe it's too deadpan.

What's a snake's favorite subject?

Well, there are two: hisss-tory, but some prefer maths; those weirdos are adders.