But jokes

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

Boy: The F in orphan stands for family.

Orphan: But there’s no F in orphan.

Boy: Exactly!

Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved a battery up her butt and said, "I GOT THE POWER!"

I wanted to tell a commie a joke about food, but he’d have to wait 10 years to get it.

Do depressed people hate swimming?

They hate it because they are already drowning in their depression, but they love it because it might make all their dreams come true.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

Jill said yes and lifted up her dress. They had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high, grabbed Jill's thigh, and said, "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, lifted up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?

But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.

I made a website about orphans.

But I can’t make a home page.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Well I'm doin' just fine, I lied, I'm DEAD inside.

Don't tell me "it's gonna be alright," I've tried, but I can't fight like this.

Hey how ya doin', I'm tired but I'm trying to fight.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Roses are red, Obama is well spoken, I'm sorry sir, but the ice cream machine is broken.

What do you call something that has 50 legs but can't walk? 25 disabled people!

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

I know your hairline's pretty bent, but your gender's on a different level.

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.

At 9/11, the people in the Twin Towers ordered pizza. They asked for pepperoni, but instead got plane.