But jokes

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

Crush: "How much do you love me?"

Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."

Crush: "But it's morning."

Me: "Exactly."

ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.

If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.

It isn't any of those if it's suicide.

I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

Islamist guys and American Christian right-wing guys are both similar in that both abhor the existence of gay people, but only the Christian Right loves to eat sausages, especially the little ones, if you know what I mean...

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.

(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

The depressed kid went to high five the tree... but the tree left them hanging.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.