But jokes

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on, not because he is afraid of the darkness, but because the darkness is afraid of him.

What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.

God creating spiders.

God: "Make it have 8 legs." Angel: "Ok? Bit excessive but ok." God: "And 8 eyes." Angel: "You need to calm down and li-" God: "Give it a butt rope!"

I would roast you, but you don't have any meat!

Candy is dandy.

But liquor is quicker.

I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."

People are like potatoes.

We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.

I would roast you, but your mirror does it every time you look into it.

Bully: "I would roast you but my mom told me not to burn trash."

Me: "So that's why you haven't burnt yourself yet." 🤔

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

One day the teacher said, "There are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. How many are left?" The teacher calls on lil Johnny. "None," the teacher said, "no but try again." Lil Johnny says, "None, because if you shoot one the rest get scared and leave." The teacher said, "Not quite, but I like the way you think."

Lil Johnny then says, "Alright teacher, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench, one's sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is biting it. Which one is married?" The teacher then says, "The one sucking it, of course!" Lil Johnny then says, "No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.

Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.

Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.

But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."

But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.