But jokes

What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

Women should be seen and not heard.

But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

I was going to make a bulimia joke, but suddenly it just felt so empty.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

Japan takes credit for creating the rice cooker, but they forgot the USA made the largest one in 1945 and sent it to Japan.

Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.