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But jokes

Restaurant

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

Wife

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar. But a few minutes later, they would walk out, because you have to be 21+. No room for those two.

Twin Towers

The South Tower proposed to the North Tower, but he said no.

Scoliosis

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

Down Syndrome

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

Girlfriend

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

Dark Humor

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

Similarity

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.