But jokes

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

Women should be seen and not heard.

But how would you control that if she was screaming "NO!!!" in the bedroom?

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

I was going to make a bulimia joke, but suddenly it just felt so empty.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

Japan takes credit for creating the rice cooker, but they forgot the USA made the largest one in 1945 and sent it to Japan.

Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?

Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.

"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."

I wasn't going to tell another rape joke but fuck it.