But jokes

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

I'm so good at talking to myself but not to others.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

I tried to rape Amy Winehouse, but she said, "No! No! No!"

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."