But jokes

I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.

I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"

He gave me a book.

It was the Quran.

I said, "What the hell is that?"

He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."

When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

But cat scan!

What is sticky, but it cannot stick a stick?

If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Pistachio can’t, but pe-can.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."

The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."

So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

If a computer was an apartment, the only passage would be the windows.

It would have had doors, but why was it ever spelt DOS?

What's the difference between a school shooting pistol and a baked potato? The physical composition, of course, but they both pack the same heat.