But jokes

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't worry, I will be there too, not in the cage but laughing at you.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

"Ur Grandma" You think you're funny? Well, sorry, but you're not.

When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...

But they know you're blind.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

Why is "T" well-respected, but more in its lowercase form?

It crossed the line with Jesus.

This is a 2 for 1 plane combo that will never exist.

But, it's like a plane pizza.

Nothing happens, but it terrorizes me.

Did I ever tell you my father should have been on the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers?

But that's just my opinion.

I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."

I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but couldn't stand up?

We should stop.

Wait, but who is the orphan going to tell?

The boomerang!

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

I have 206 bones, but when I see you, I have 207.

When there's no piñata at the party, but the emo kid just hung himself.

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

I'd hit you, but if I did, I'd go to jail for animal abuse.

So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."