But jokes

If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Pistachio can’t, but pe-can.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!

The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."

The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."

So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

If a computer was an apartment, the only passage would be the windows.

It would have had doors, but why was it ever spelt DOS?

What's the difference between a school shooting pistol and a baked potato? The physical composition, of course, but they both pack the same heat.

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't worry, I will be there too, not in the cage but laughing at you.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

"Ur Grandma" You think you're funny? Well, sorry, but you're not.

When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...

But they know you're blind.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

Why is "T" well-respected, but more in its lowercase form?

It crossed the line with Jesus.

This is a 2 for 1 plane combo that will never exist.

But, it's like a plane pizza.

Nothing happens, but it terrorizes me.