But jokes
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I’m sorry, Chairy, but I don’t need four more legs.
This isn't a joke but...
GET IN THE VAN, JANICE!
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
In a game, there are crew members that have to keep the ship running. But little did they know, there was an imposter among them.
Sound familiar? 🤔
Well, in September 11th...
You can't YEE your last HAW!
But I put my BALLS in ur JAW.
I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.
I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.
Most people don't realize this, but the F in orphan stands for family.
"Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death"?
Maybe in infidel America but.... it is #1 in the Glorious Iran.
🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷🇮🇷
My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.
The inventor of the umbrella was just going to call it "brella," but he hesitated.
I tried to have phone sex once.
But the holes were too small.
So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.
Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
At baseball practice...
"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"
"No, but I got two right here."
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”
St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.
If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.
That one really *crashed and burned*.
By the way, why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings, but they never answer that door.
Enjoy!