Bus

Bus jokes

Crash

    • What does a school bus crash and a train crash have in common?

    They always line up.

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    • Woman

    • A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

    She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

    “About 32,” is the reply.

    “Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”

    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

    The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

    Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

    “I was behind you at McDonalds’."

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    • Bus memes

    Man

    • I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

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    • Story

    • So here’s this funny story, and it’s true.

    So my mom has this friend. When this guy was a kid, he was on the school bus, and this Mexican kid checked him into the aisle, so he hits him across the face with a metal lunchbox, and he started bleeding. Then they both get banned from the bus for a few days, so him and his dad drive to the Mexican kids house, and his dad says to the Mexican kids dad “if your kid ever picks on my kid again, I’m gonna come back to this house and kick your ass!”

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    • Field Trip

    • My field trip at school earlier:

    Little Timmy (angrily): "I WANT MY IPAD!"

    Ms. Melina: "We can have it at school if you turn your day around."

    Little Timmy: "BUT I WANT IT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

    Ms. Melina: "But we're heading back to school."

    Little Timmy: "B**TCH, I HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING HOME!"

    Little Timmy *starts banging the bus window*

    Little Timmy: "THAT’S IT, I F**KING HATE SCHOOL! I’M GOING TO CANADA!"

    Ms. Melina: "TIMMY, STOP IT! THE SCHOOL IS GONNA MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT WINDOW IF YOU BREAK IT!"

    Me: "Let’s just tell his family to move to Shadow Bay anyways because Red Oaks would be so f**king good for him."

    *Window breaks*

    Ms. Melina: "STOP THAT RIGHT F**KING NOW!"

    Little Timmy: "BUT JEFFY AND JUNIOR ARE PICKING ME UP AND TAKING ME TO F**KING CANADA RIGHT NOW! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"

    Ms. Melina: "THAT’S IT TIMMY, YOU'RE SO F**KING BUSTED! I’M CALLING MS. ALEJANDRA RIGHT NOW!"

    The end.

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