Body jokes
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
Friend: I broke up with Sara.
Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.
Friend: How did her pussy feel?
Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.
Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!
I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.
Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the ground.
Your forehead is so big, your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.
There's something on your chin. No, not that one, the third row.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
what's black and red and is a liquid?
my scars!
Sex is like math.
Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.