How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the ground.
I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.
Your forehead is so big, your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Digging stuff up is too hard.
I guess necrophilia isn’t for everybody.
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
There's something on your chin. No, not that one, the third row.
What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.
what's black and red and is a liquid?
my scars!
Sex is like math.
Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?
A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.
Don't be scared of skeletons.
They don't have the guts for murder.
