Body

Body jokes

Wiener

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

Baby

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the ground.

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  • Nut

    I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

    Shower

    A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

    Forehead

    Your forehead is so big, your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.

    Mermaid

    A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

    As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

    Chin

    Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

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  • Euphemism

    Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

    Psychiatrist

    A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

    The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

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  • Guy

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

    Stepmom

    Me and my stepmom went into the forest.

    I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.

    Chin

    There's something on your chin. No, not that one, the third row.

    Anal Sex

    What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

    Bill Cosby

    The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.

    Sex

    Sex is like math.

    Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.

    Intercourse

    Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"

    Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."

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  • Tampon

    Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?

    A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.

    Enzyme

    What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

    You can't hear an enzyme.