Body jokes

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."

Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the ground.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

Your forehead is so big, your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.

There's something on your chin. No, not that one, the third row.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.

What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

Me and my stepmom went into the forest.

I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

Sex is like math.

Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"

Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."

Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?

A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.