Birth jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born pretty, what happened to you?

BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.

Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.

Yo momma's so hairy that when the baby came out, it got rug burn.

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What keeps you breathing when you're on Earth?

I don't know. I suffocated at birth.

Your dick is so small they thought you were a girl when you came into the world.

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

What do emos use as birth control?

Their personalities!

Why did Dairy Queen and Burger King get arrested for copyright infringement? Because they gave birth to Five Guys.

What do Indians call their father when they are born?

Data.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

You were born on a road. That's where most accidents happen.

What might an aborted child want for Christmas?

..... a home that isn't a bin.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"