Birth jokes

I used to be a man in a woman’s body. And then I was born.

A farmer artificially impregnated a cow. The cow said to another cow, "It's a miracle, I'm pregnant." The other cow said, "That's impossible, it's only us cows in the field, you must be joking." The first cow said, "Nope, I'm serious... no bull!"

Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to create a joke.

Why couldn't the twins never do anything right?

Because they were triplets!

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

What keeps you breathing when you're on Earth?

I don't know. I suffocated at birth.

What is the difference between a hoe's birth Daddy and her pimp Daddy?

The first daddy plants the seed in a cunt, and the second reaps the harvest from the cunt.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Your dick is so small they thought you were a girl when you came into the world.

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

Why did Dairy Queen and Burger King get arrested for copyright infringement? Because they gave birth to Five Guys.

What do emos use as birth control?

Their personalities!

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

What do Indians call their father when they are born?

Data.

You were born on a road. That's where most accidents happen.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

What might an aborted child want for Christmas?

..... a home that isn't a bin.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.

A father awaits the birth of his first child.

The obstetrician says, "Unfortunately, he has no arms."

The father says, "I'll love it all the same."

But the obstetrician adds, "It is also without legs, trunk, head."

The father says, "I'll love it all the same."

Then the obstetrician confessed to him, "I'm sorry, but only this ear was born."

The father says, "I'll love it all the same."

And the obstetrician says, "Talk to him closer: he's deaf!"