Birth jokes

Your mom is so old that her birth certificate says "expired."

I used to be a man in a woman’s body. And then I was born.

Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to create a joke.

A farmer artificially impregnated a cow. The cow said to another cow, "It's a miracle, I'm pregnant." The other cow said, "That's impossible, it's only us cows in the field, you must be joking." The first cow said, "Nope, I'm serious... no bull!"

Why couldn't the twins never do anything right?

Because they were triplets!

When a baby was born to a slave, did the slave owners hang a "Bred in Captivity" sign above the crib?

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

What keeps you breathing when you're on Earth?

I don't know. I suffocated at birth.

Your dick is so small they thought you were a girl when you came into the world.

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

You were born on a road. That's where most accidents happen.

What do emos use as birth control?

Their personalities!

What do Indians call their father when they are born?

Data.

Why did Dairy Queen and Burger King get arrested for copyright infringement? Because they gave birth to Five Guys.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.

What might an aborted child want for Christmas?

..... a home that isn't a bin.