Being jokes

Q: Give a man a day of therapy, he'll be sad for then and on.

A: Give a man a noose, he'll be sad for the rest of his life.

The Titanic before the iceberg be like: "We can't go under it, we gotta go through it!"

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?

Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.

Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.

Fat chicks be like, "Am I fox pretty, bunny pretty, cat pretty, or deer pretty?" Like none, bitch, you elephant pretty. 😭😭😭

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"

What's an upside of being an orphan?

You'll never get grounded again.

Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.

If I was any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What's a benefit of being an orphan?

No one makes yo mama jokes to you.

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-