Being jokes

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

Why do orphans like to play GTA?

To be wanted.

If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!

Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

Why do orphans want parents? Because they don't want to be left out.

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

We’ll be back.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

I don't beat up midgets.

That would be punching down.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candace. Candace who? Candace be true, you don’t remember me?

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.

Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.

What's the worst possible thing to be playing during the funeral of a bridge-collapse victim?

Fall Guys.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."