Being jokes

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Thanks Ethan for all you've done. We've both made mistakes when all is said and done, but just thanks for being a good friend. This is officially my last post on here, Ethan-Real 1.

Why did the African child wake up suddenly? Because he was being sexually abused.

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

  • 1

    • I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

    I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

    She said, "She was a little tardy."

    I asked her, "I thought they all were."

    What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

    The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!

    Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

    I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

    Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

    You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

    My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

    I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

    How does the cop respond to being called racist?

    He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

    I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

    Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?

    Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.

    A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

  • 1

    • My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.