Being jokes
My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.
Imagine being gay like Joe Mama!
Stop being disrespectful to all those people and their parents. Oh, I forgot, they don't have any parents.
Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.
How to protect your nuts from being hit: Just get hard.
Do you know what is good about being an orphan?
Every candy bar is family sized.
When I was a little boy, I had this dream. I was eating a giant marshmallow.
When I woke, I was being sexually abused.
Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?
Why doesn't the orphan's phone have a homepage, being it doesn't have a home?
Being in a band without a pencil is as easy as reading snare drum music.
Being mean.
So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.
I'm scared that it moves at night.
I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.
The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"
Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.
Hardest part about being a paedophile?
Fitting in.
My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
Being an orphan isn’t all bad.
On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.