Being jokes

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

I tried being an emo, but I never got the hang of it.

If Charlie Kirk were a 5-year-old schoolkid being murdered, America would have moved on by now.

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!

What do 9/11 and gender have in common?

They used to be two, and now it's a sensitive topic.

Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar. But a few minutes later, they would walk out, because you have to be 21+. No room for those two.

What do maths and 9/11 have in common?

They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

You know how 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9?

Well, how do you think 10 feels being in the middle of 9 11?

You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.

And an exorcism.

Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?

A: Cum on your cousin's face.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

I don't beat up midgets.

That would be punching down.